i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so that wasnt chicken after all
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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