the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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