shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
