If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
