She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
it's great music for shaving your balls
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
