I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
