cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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