I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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