"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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