Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
babies were throwing up all over the place
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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