Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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