The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
two words: eviction party
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
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Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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