Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
