The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
