Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
