you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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