I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
