I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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