Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I love you.
Bad choice
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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