They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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