he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
