I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
