you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
