I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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