you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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