I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
