I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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