To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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