Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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