im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
