Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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