We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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