hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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