My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize