If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
