We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
