Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
sarcasm needs its own font
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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