And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
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At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
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actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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