Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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