my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
