dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
