i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
cat food counts as protein by the way
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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