I cut my penus on the lid.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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