he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
