Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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