new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
