I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes