last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin