Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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