We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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