you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
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He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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