Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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