Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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