Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
