the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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