Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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