i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
