i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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