thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
