i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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