In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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