i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
