My Higher Power is John Stamos
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
