absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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