Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
