Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions