somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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