OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
