If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
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He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
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I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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