You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
